Listen, don’t judge to help those dealing with domestic violence

By Megan Schneider | Community News Service

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and, although addressing domestic violence is always of high importance, the recent murder of 22-year-old Emily Ferlazzo in which her husband has been charged puts the spotlight on this life-threatening issue.  

The Vermont chapters of Moms Demand Action and Students Demand Action – both part of Everytown for Gun Safety’s grassroots networks – followed the news of Ferlazzo’s killing this week with a news release emphasizing that half of all homicides in Vermont are related to domestic violence. In addition, more than half of those crimes are committed with firearms as in Ferlazzo’s case, the groups noted.

First reported missing earlier this week, Ferlazzo’s remains were found in the camper she and her husband were staying in while visiting in Bolton last weekend. Joseph Ferlazzo confessed to shooting her twice in the head and later dismembering her body, leaving it in the camper. Police caught up with Joseph Ferlazzo in St. Albans where he was arrested and charged with first-degree murder. He pleaded not guilty on Wednesday in Vermont Superior Court in Burlington.   

It is rare for a domestic violence murder to happen without any previous events of violence, said Diane Kinney, co-director of Circle of Washington County – a nonprofit serving domestic violence victims and survivors in Washington County. 

“Domestic violence usually starts with verbal and emotional abuse to try and maintain control over someone. If it doesn’t work then it escalates to physical violence and the physical violence can – it doesn’t always – then continue to escalate as well,” Kinney said. 

Kinney explained that domestic violence victims may not report their abuse because the abuser can make them feel as though it is their fault, the abuser may apologize making it seem okay, or victims may not know where to turn, fearing that contacting the police could put them in more danger. 

“The laws are not great because in order to get a relief from abuse order, which is a protection order in Vermont, there has to be a severe threat of physical violence or physical violence, so most stuff doesn’t get reported,” Kinney said.

This year so far there have been 205 domestic violence-related cases handled by the Vermont State Police, according to state police spokesman Adam Silverman. He emphasized that such cases investigated by the state police are difficult to track given the coding system for the agency’s record-keeping. 

Silverman said cases recorded with “domestic violence involved” in the state police system for 2020 numbered 330; in 2019, there were 376.

Circle has a 24/7 hotline for individuals in Washington County to call. Those answering don’t ask for the caller’s name or any information other than one’s situation. Their job is to listen and provide the caller with options, Kinney explained. 

Whether someone is a victim or calling on behalf of a loved one, the hotline is open to offer support with the aim to provide callers with a safety plan that is best for their specific situation. 

Everyone’s circumstances are different, Kinney noted, and leaving immediately isn’t always an option. If someone is looking to help someone in a domestic violence situation, Kinney advises not to tell the victim to leave until they have a plan. It could be dangerous or just not feasible, she said. “If it is someone that you care about, the best thing to do is listen and not judge. What we try to do is help people with a safety plan and plan their leaving,” Kinney said. 

She notes important steps that Circle and other organizations dealing with domestic violence highlight before someone makes their move to leave a dangerous situation. These include getting a bank account in one’s own name and making sure the individual has reliable transportation.

Kinney encourages those who need help or who want to help someone they care about to call Circle’s 24-hour confidential hotline 1-877-543-9498. More information is available on its website at circlevt.org. Circle also is one of 15 member nonprofits across the state as part of the VT Network Against Domestic and Sexual Violence, online at vtnetwork.org. 

Megan Schneider is a St. Michael’s College senior working with the University of Vermont’s Community News Service.