Mental illness, food, healing: Waitsfield writer’s memoir ‘Feed Me’ is a local top-seller
Jan. 13, 2023 | By Judi Byron | Correspondent 
Cover image, courtesy photo
Scores of friends, family and colleagues of Erika Nichols-Frazer gathered on a snowy evening at the Big Picture Theater in Waitsfield recently to listen to excerpts from her new memoir “Feed Me: A Story of Food, Love, and Mental Illness.”
Nichols-Frazer is a journalist at the Valley Reporter in her hometown of Waitsfield and her editor Lisa Loomis had the role of moderator for the evening, asking prepared questions and taking questions from the audience. Loomis began talking about her thyroid and the need for medication and the lack of stigma attached to a physical condition and then segued to point out how shame often surrounds those who face mental illness.
Nichols-Frazer broke through that “shame spiral” as she dubs it to share her story of hiddenness and openness, her vulnerability and courage, in her debut autobiography centered around the nuances of food: sustenance, deprivation, power struggle, safety, family, love, connection and tradition.
Using examples from a pat of butter to Grand Marnier French toast, Nichols-Frazer uses food as the throughline of the book. She explains how seemingly inconsequential items like a muffin carry deep meaning. The butter refers to “forced feeding” the author describes experiencing in a teenage psychiatric ward in Keene, New Hampshire, where she was watched to see that she ate everything on her plate down to a pat of butter.
In another anecdote, Nichols-Frazer writes about eating a muffin after a car accident that she, her mother, and grandmother survived both emotionally and physically when they were returning from a dismal hockey tournament. She tells how she savored every bite – not just the muffin top, as was her pattern.
While it may seem strange that the title of the book from one who struggled and was hospitalized with severe anorexia, is “Feed Me,” it becomes fitting as Nichols-Frazer reveals the layers of her story. Eating disorders often go hand-in-hand with anxiety and depression. And food ultimately became Nichols-Frazer’s salvation.
First, through her aunts who taught her how to cook, how to pick out good vegetables, how to appreciate good, fresh food. (The author tells how she grew up eating boxed food in a busy household.) Then in learning to prepare food, the process helped Nichols-Frazer relax and focus. Later, weekly potlucks furthered the connection between love and food. The giving of one’s time, talent, and pleasure to another and receiving love in return fostered connection with others. “The sharing of food brings people together and creates community,” Nichols-Frazer said. Finally, the very act of savoring a meal and its individual components is an act of mindfulness, she explains. In telling her story, Nichols-Frazer refers to a manic episode where she ate little for a few weeks, and then eating Grand Marnier French toast was exquisite, “the antithesis of the disassociation” she had been experiencing. “I felt very aware of all the flavors and smells,” she said, concluding that food could not only nourish in the physical sense, but it could bring joy. This was “a healing moment,” she recounted, as she discovered that food could be celebratory.
Nichols-Frazer said she found that there is a connection between nutrition and mental health. Making that connection took time, however. In her writing and in the discussions now, Nichols-Frazer admits to dark, black moods for as long as she could remember and feeling guilt about that. For a long time, she said, it didn’t occur to her that she could get help. Although she said she knew she was not OK, she presumed that strength mean “not asking for help.”
Ultimately, the process of seeking help is what helped Nichols-Frazer flourish and she credits the people in her life for being supportive. For example, she said she can talk frankly with her boss now and Loomis praised Nichols-Frazer’s candidness and honesty.
“But that was not always the case,” admits Nichols-Frazer, noting how routine it is to call in sick for a physical illness. But for a mental health issue, Nichols-Frazer said she felt she needed to “suck it up and deal with it.” That, Nichols-Frazer acknowledges, is getting better, noting that the Americans with Disabilities Act provides protections for those with mental illness to get accommodations and supports they need at work.
During the evening discussion, Loomis probed Nichols-Frazer’s antithetical statement: “I want my illness to be invisible, hidden. Yet I want so badly to be seen and understood and I can’t have both. I want the people I love to see me, all of me, except for the parts that hurt.”
Turning to the author, she asks, “What does that feel like?”
Nichols-Frazer shares the difficult answer: “What’s on the inside doesn’t always match what’s on the outside. It’s like a disguise you are wearing…You have to disguise your real self and what you are really going through. You put on a happy face and go through the motions.”
The paradox, Nichols-Frazer explains, is the desire to be her full self with the people in her life, while not wanting to be judged. That leads the discussion back to the shame around mental illness. She talked about the stigma associated with mental illness, especially the struggle many young people have and the need for more support.
Nichols-Frazer shares that when she finally got diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 29, it was a relief. She now had language to explain her symptoms. There was a diagnosis and therefore treatment for it. Writing the book also has been cathartic, she admits. And although writing some parts was re-traumatizing, Nichols-Frazer concludes that “ultimately it was a really important part of healing.”
Now she says she is pleased that the book is helping others tell their own stories.
"Feed Me" author Erika Nichols-Frazer will be at Bridgeside Books Saturday at 11 a.m. Courtesy photo
She talked about her decision to write a painfully candid memoir in a recent interview on WDEV’s “Vermont Viewpoint” program with host Kevin Ellis. Yes, she could have written a very different book, she told the morning radio audience. One not as truthful, one that didn’t get to the heart of struggles in relationship and addiction and covered her loved ones. But she didn’t. Nichols-Frazer quotes a line from the movie, “Almost Famous”: “I wanted to be honest and unmerciful.”
Telling her true story was important, she said. “I owed it to myself and my readers,” she explained. “I wanted to tell the truth as openly and honestly as I could…To talk about these things openly is one of the most radical acts we can undertake.”
Putting mental health struggles out in the open can be the toughest hurdle to clear. “Can we normalize our issues?” she asks. “Can we say to one another, ‘I’m not OK,’ even if we look like we are doing well?”
In that interview, Nichols-Frazer acknowledged her privileged upbringing growing up in Stowe, her education at Sarah Lawrence College, travels abroad. Mental illness has no boundaries, she said, affecting all walks of life.
She also discussed the importance of getting help, both by opening up to family and friends and also by seeking professional help. She acknowledged her family’s support of her writing, even though it was uncomfortable. By the end of the discussion, Ellis calls Nichols-Frazer’s memoir “honest, courageous, and worth every word.”
In addition to working as a journalist with the Valley Reporter, Nichols-Frazer has numerous other writing projects in the works. She has a short story collection and a novel in the works, and a book of poetry coming out this year from Main Street Rag which published an anthology of mental health recovery stories that Nichols-Frazer edited during the pandemic. She does freelance editing and coaches first-time writers including volunteering with Central Vermont Adult Basic Education.
“Yes, I’m always writing something,” Nichols-Frazer said.
Find the Dec. 30 interview on WDEV’s Vermont Viewpoint program online at nicholsfrazer.com along with other media coverage and recordings from recent book reading events. Nichols-Frazer will be at Bridgeside Books in Waterbury on Saturday, Jan. 14, 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., to talk about and sign copies of “Feed Me” which tops the store’s list of best-selling local memoirs.