100 years of Etiquette with Emily Post and family

Dec. 17, 2022  |  By Judi Byron  |  Correspondent 

At Bridgeside Books recebntly, Dan Post Senning of Duxbury and cousin Lizzie Post Senning take questions about their collaboration to update their great-great grandmother's iconic reference on etiquette. Courtesy photo

The book is flying off the shelves!  Is it the latest James Patterson mystery? Or Louise Penny’s “A World of Curiosities”?  

Well, perhaps there is nothing more curious than a volume of 100 years of etiquette advice being a hot-ticket item in 2022. 

Bridgeside Books owner Katya d’Angelo informed the hometown crowd gathered recently at the shop for a conversation on etiquette and civility that the publisher had sold out on “Emily Post’s Etiquette The Centennial Edition” first print run of 12,000 copies.  Not to worry, d’Angelo reassured the enthusiastic crowd, the next order was due soon and has since arrived this week, just in time for the holidays.

Authors Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning picked Bridgeside Books in Waterbury as the bookshop to distribute signed copies of their updated version of the Emily Post classic volume. Courtesy photo

So, what’s the deal with etiquette? Why is this topic so hot in this day and age? And why the fuss at the Waterbury book store?

The great-great grandchildren of America’s etiquette authority Emily Post – Lizzy Post and Daniel Post Senning – were on hand to lead the discussion where they had much to say on the topic and why it is still so relevant today. The pair spoke to a hometown crowd that included fourth-generation leaders of the Emily Post Institute: Cindy Senning, who is Dan’s mom, Lizzie’s dad Peter Post, and Aunt Peggy Post, and the family’s third-generation grandparents, Bill and Lindsey Post. The latter took on running the Institute immediately following their famous ancestor and its namesake Emily Post. 

It was during the 1960s and 70s that the family left New York high society behind and like many others, migrated to Vermont. In her career, Cindy Post Senning, great-granddaughter of Emily, (whom folks know as the former Duxbury School Principal before the Duxbury/Waterbury merger, and presently is a Harwood School Board member) ran the Institute and co-authored a dozen etiquette books for parents and children. She wrote the book “The Gift of Good Manners” with her sister-in-law Peggy Post, to address the importance of not just modeling the behavior you want to see in your kids, but embodying it.

At the Bridgeside Books event, Lizzie and Dan were thrilled to be amongst family and friends to talk of the importance of etiquette and Emily herself, and to answer questions from the audience. Key to the occasion is the fact that many of the relatives are local residents, making their homes in Duxbury and Waterbury. Dan, who lives in Duxbury, mentioned that he is a proud alumnus of Harwood Union High School, and both he and his cousin Lizzie, a Burlington resident, are avid UVM hockey fans.  

That connection led them to select the local independent book store to be the retailer that would distribute their signed copies of the new “Etiquette” volume. Hence the flurry of activity in the store where stacks of books have been moving through the process from delivery to signing to shipping. 

The audience of a couple dozen came to hear the topic come to life. 

Etiquette lives

Not only is etiquette not dead, Lizzie emphasized, but “I am reminded that each generation of the Post family (they are now in the fifth generation) has had to deal with these questions” of manners changing and the importance of etiquette. She framed the topic saying etiquette is not stuck in one era; it is not one way, it is not associated with one culture. “It is something that changes over time” and it is the “backbone of consideration, respect, and honesty” which makes etiquette relevant today, Lizzie explained. And especially with the political divisiveness and lack of civility present in our society, she noted that now more than ever we need these qualities in our conversations.

“Political discourse has always been contentious and difficult,” Dan said, pointing out that it was an issue in Emily Post’s day. “People were rude then, and those traditional rules that governed conversation are still incredibly useful.”  

He then described three tiers of social conversation. Tier One: Safe, with topics such as weather, sports, pop culture, etc. Next is Tier Two: The Familiar, with potentially controversial topics such as politics, religion, one’s love life. At one time, these topics were avoided as they were considered impolite. Tier Three is the intimate subjects such as family and finance which were considered “untouchable” back in the day.  

Dan acknowledged the importance of talking about all of these subjects so that our civic lives and spiritual lives can thrive. So how to navigate these topics for example, at the Thanksgiving table? Listen, listen, listen.  

Lizzie chimed in, crediting Dan with the aphorism “Would you be willing to let go of that brilliant, witty thing you were about to say, be unsaid?” as a way to defuse a potentially fraught exchange.

One of the important tenets that the Emily Post Institute has upheld across the past century is the principle of being forward-thinking. Emily didn’t stick to what was in fashion at the time, but always looked to the next generation, said Lizzie. Today, she and her family members who carry on the Emily Post legacy strive to do the same by constantly asking, “What are we doing? What is the right thing to do?”

She pointed to gender fluidity as an example of identity. Is this declared or is it fluid?  How might it change over time?  She is fine with that, and then quips “And some things don’t change.  The fork is still on the left.”

Respect is not elite 

What has changed the most in the last 100 years?  “Hands down: technology and communication,” Dan answered. To that, Lizzie added: “In Emily’s day, the phone was going to blow up family life forever. Would the family ever sit down and eat dinner together again? And then it was television.”  

Technology spurred transitions both in the home and the workplace. “The fax machine changed the way people did business,” Dan said. “Now we are in this world of infinite connectivity.”  He then pointed to the next 100 years as having autonomy.  “We can make choices about the kinds of communities we want to participate in and create them.”  So, communications was the short answer considering change in the past century, although how that will manifest in the future is an open question.

The topic of elitism came up in the discussion. Is the Emily Post Institute seen as exclusive, white, privileged and old, as in not modern? Dan responded saying he doesn’t see it that way. “If we are talking about being considerate, respectful, and honest with people, that involves a lot of inclusivity, being open to different perspectives and holding space.”  

He went back to posing the classic Thanksgiving question of how to get along with people who think differently from ourselves. “Do you know how to have a polite conversation with someone? Do you have to prove your point, win the argument?” he inquired of the audience.  

Just like navigating generational change, you can look across cultures, and navigate different expectations that come from different contexts, Lizzie pointed out. As you learn about other cultures, you hold respect for them, for their practices, for the way they express themselves, even if you don’t understand it.  “That can be a really powerful thing within etiquette,” Lizzie concluded.

Family connection through time

Dan returned to Emily Post to tell the story of a cross-country trip that she took with her son Ned and a cousin in 1914. While Emily loved Chicago, by the time they got to Cedar Rapids, she lambasted the Iowans. When she got her comeuppance, it gave her perspective that everything was not New York high society. Dan noted that the trip proved to be fodder for her 1916 publication “By Motor to the Golden Gate.” Ned Post was also the co-founder of the Emily Post Institute, helping his mother run it in the early days.

So, what about Emily?  How did this all start? Lizzie talks of her great-great-grandmother as having grown up in the Gilded Age, the era of the Vanderbilts and the Morgans, the rapid building of America, lavish parties, and the expectations of women then to be married, have children and to be a good hostess. While Emily Post did all of that, she also got divorced in 1906. Although that wasn’t uncommon even in that day, what was uncommon and certainly bold, was that she did not remarry, Lizzy said. 

Emily had had a bit of a writing career by that time with the “romance novels” as Lizzie described the genre. When the opportunity to write about etiquette came along, Emily was 49 and that began her lifelong fascination with the subject. She even had a radio show in the 1930s through which she reached millions, especially those who couldn’t read or afford to buy her book. 

What inspired Emily, Lizzie recounted, was the connection of etiquette to ethics – that it is honoring people, not necessarily things or ideas. “She became a guiding light, not just for her generation but 100 years’ worth of generations,” Lizzie marveled.

Dan underscored how it was Emily’s clarity of vision about the topic that makes her advice not just impactful, but durable. “It was her understanding of the human connection that was at the heart of the work,” he said. 

Tailoring etiquette advice 

Emily’s descendants also suggested that she was incredibly democratic in her thinking.  Dan pointed to how much change she navigated in her world from the Gilded Age to the modern. Her iconic book, “Emily Post’s Etiquette,” has had more than 20 editions as it evolved over the decades.  The first was published in 1922. There was a Wartime Edition published in 1942, and 2019’s “Higher Etiquette” billed as “A Guide to the World of Cannabis.”

There was to be a supplemental Pandemic Edition, but by the time it would have been printed, the worst of COVID-19 had passed and Lizzie and Dan said they nixed the idea. 

Today for the custodians of the Post legacy, social networks and how we function as a society are at the helm of their thinking much like it was in Emily’s day.

What makes the 2022 edition unique is that it is written from scratch with no iterations from the last edition. The authors said they went back 100 years and looked at the original’s origins. What was essential? They wanted to rediscover Emily’s voice. What was it about her advice that people could hear and accept? They aimed to capture Emily’s tone, accessibility and knack for being approachable to people in many walks of life. 

Lizzie said they want to carry on that tradition with the book being a resource for people. They also wanted to make the book affordable, and to do that they trimmed it down. The heart of etiquette is practicality.  What doesn’t work anymore drops away, like chaperones.  And while there are “beautiful traditions,” Lizzie was quick to point out that etiquette is not about being a stickler and it is not judgment. Though courtesy is at the heart of etiquette, it is important “not to assume your courtesy onto people. Ask permission. How do you present yourself to others?  How do you communicate? Are you thinking of the impact your expression has on others,” she said. “How do you say the things you do?” These are questions worth pondering and at the heart of the centennial edition. 

Those questions and many others are fodder for Dan and Lizzie’s ongoing project that also follows in their famous ancestor’s footsteps. While Emily Post had a radio broadcast, the cousins today host a podcast called “Awesome Etiquette” on American Public Media where questions are not just welcome, but encouraged.